Some lofty soul once said, “the best way to get over one man is to get under another.” In fact, it was one of the characters of the romantic comedy, DELIVER US FROM EVA. Though that was a Hollywood production, it’s surprising how many people really believe this is the answer. Society even confuses a new relationship as evidence that a person has moved on. But, it’s not that easy.

That’s just geography. You may have physically ended; but emotionally, you’re still involved. Even if you’ve called off the wedding, cancelled the church and sent all the wedding gifts back, it’s not over. If you are focused on what she’s doing, who she’s seeing, whether she’s as upset over the breakup as you, you are still very much mentally and emotionally involved. Something inside of you still needs to check his or her pulse. If the ghosts of relationships-past keeps haunting relationships-present, it absolutely, undeniably, irrefutably ain’t over.

So how do you move on emotionally? How do you detach so that your heart is free again?

Most definitely, physical distance is necessary. You must detach. Even if your heart is still involved, your actions must not be. No phone calls. No riding by his house. No, you can’t be friends right now. You must cut off all contact.

As for mutual friends, ask them to give you some space to work through the breakup. Understand, they are a link to him. They remind you of him. So, you need some distance. If they are truly your friends, they’ll respect your decision. Even if they might not agree with it, they will give you the space you need.

In my previous article, “About Men: Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me,” I talk about seeking relief. It is a very human response to pain. If you have a bad headache, more than likely you’re going to seek some type of pain relief. But once the headache subsides, no one ever commits to the Tylenol.

Concentrate on you. Implement EXTRAORDINARY self care. Do those things that raise your self esteem, take care of your body, take care of your mind and renew your spirit. If you enjoy yoga, increase your involvement. If you love to cook, watch the Cooking Channel and try some new dishes. Do things that are meaningful to you and nourish you. Get involved in a charitable cause you’re passionate about.

Give yourself time to grieve. Don’t force it. A song, a love letter, anything that the two of you shared will trigger feelings of grief. There will be times that you just can’t believe that it’s over. Times that you can’t stop crying. Times that you want to scream. Acknowledge your feeling, join with it and give it a voice. Don’t judge it, try to fix it or avoid it. Let the feeling find healthy expression through you. Let the interaction be purposeful, guiding you into a better understanding of yourself.

Let your pain know that you care. Reassure yourself that you matter. See your pain as a gift, a friend that directs you to self care. When a wound cries for attention, we tend to divert to something else – work, alcohol, shopping, sex, or finding someone or something to blame. Instead, choose to be attentive. A distraction might numb the pain, true, but I don’t ever recall it healing the wound. Love heals wounds. Love sets your heart free.

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Suzette R. Hinton, SAC-I, Certified Life and Mentor Coach, Counselor and Mother. Graduate of CANA, Inc. (http://www.CoachingInstituteofNorthAmerica.com) and Founder of Purposeful Connections (http://www.purposefulconnections.com). Suzette believes that purpose is not only a destination but it is the energy that pushes us toward its fulfillment.