After mountains of letters, tons of emails, and numerous phone calls at 2 a.m. that consisted solely of sobs and sniffles, I have decided to address the issues of breaking up with and getting over ex-lovers. Technically, I am probably not the best person to write this article seeing as I haven't been in a serious relationship since 1999 and even that one involved a stripper, but then again maybe that makes me the perfect person to write this article. I, humor writer and former Eva Longoria stalker, am not blinded by the intense light of true love and therefore I can objectively present: 5 Surefire Ways To Get Over Your Ex!

1. Eat More

One of the best ways to get over an ex-mate and get back into your old swing of things is by going on a week long eating binge. Time and time again I have seen men and women alike taking advantage of the mind-numbing, body-fattening coping method and I have yet to see one of them die from a broken heart thereafter. A few of them have suffered strokes and massive heart attacks or have gotten so fat that they had to be removed from their kitchen via crane but that's a small price to pay to completely forget about a lost soulmate.

2. Bore Everyone Around You With The Details

Another great way to cope with a painful breakup is to repeated tell all your close friends and relatives about (a) how great the relationship was going (b) all the things you did for your ex (c) how much you hate him/her now and (d) that'll you never love again. Be sure to make these the sole topics of your conversation for at least the next two months. Whenever your mouth is moving the words coming out should be about your ex. The beauty of this method is that by the 3rd week after your breakup your friends will have gotten so tired of hearing you drone on and on that they will probably band together and beat the tar out of you with one of those old photo albums that you insist on showing them pictures of'the good ole days' out of. The upside to this is that while you are recuperating in the ICU you will have much more important things to worry about than old flames. Like the position of your bedpan...

There's nothing like an unbeatable addiction to take your mind off the fact that the first girl that you ever loved just left you for a high school janitor. I recommend starting out with cheap beer since it can be picked up at any convinence store and it makes your clothes and breath smell great. Then as your addiction increases and your confidence grows you can move on to your harder liquors and drugs. By the time you become a hardcore crack addict you will be so busy performing sexual favors on the side of the road for your next hit that you won't ever think about your ex. Unless you happened to wander pass his/her house and you start to wonder if there is anything portable inside that you can steal and take to the dope man to trade for more of your 'medicine'. For the most part, however, you'll live in a cloudy haze of drugs, booze, jail, homelessness, and disease that leaves little time for such trivialities as relationships.

4. Suicide

One of the quickest ways to get someone off your mind is to totally clear your mind of everything. Suicide does a great job of accomplishing this for you. I promise you that if you stick a shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger not only will you never think about your ex again but any other negative thoughts you've ever had will be erased as well. Of course, as with all things, there are some drawbacks like loss of life and eternal damnation but who can say what is too high a price to pay to forget about the 'man of your dreams' leaving you for your mother.

5. Find Another Mate Quickly

If the loss of a mate has you down then the logical thing to do is find another mate. And this time you don't have to be so picky. So what if he's 3 feet tall and reeks of codfish, let him take you out. Big deal if she's missing every other tooth in her mouth and has a face that makes the dead cringe, ask her out. Your goal isn't love, you tried that before and failed miserably, now you're just in it for companionship and new memories to crowd out the old painful ones.So find the first available male, female, household appliance, etc. that shows an interest in you and go for it. What have you got to lose?

So there you have it folks, Five kid tested and mother approved methods for getting over a nasty breakup. Hopefully, none of my readers will experience a nasty breakup any time soon but if you do now you can face it bravely knowing that you have the proper methods for dealing with the situation. And now you'll have to excuse me, I have a date with my toaster...

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Timothy Ward is a humor writer and webmaster who desperately needs your help in becoming a household name. You can help by subscribing to his humor column at http://timothyward.netfirms.com or by visiting his latest website LakeCityFreeAds.com or you can name 2.5 of your children after him.