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The Best Way to Break Up
By Ed
Sherman
There are ways to go about breaking up that will
give you the best chance for a smoother trip through one of life's most difficult
passages. This is an exceedingly sensitive time when it doesn't take much
to stir things up. Fortunately, because we go through this with other couples
a few thousand times a year, we know exactly what you can do, and the kinds
of things you must avoid, to make breaking up as smooth as possible.
Whether you are a married couple, or have been
living together in a long-term committed relationship, breaking up is almost
always painful, but the essential thing is to avoid unnecessary pain and
cost, much of which can be avoided or minimized if you are careful. It is
essential to avoid words and actions that escalate from hurt, fear, and anger
to hostility, lawyers, courts, and huge expenses. That would be very hard
on you, on your kids if you have any, and devastating to your
pocketbook.
For couples who are not married, breaking up
presents many of the same challenges. In this discussion, if you replace
divorce with breakup and spouse with partner, it will work the same for
you.
If you decide to separate, don't do one more
thing or say one more word to your spouse until you understand the rest of
this article, and have read the other articles listed at the end. The way
you announce the decision, or respond to it, will make a huge difference
in the way things unwind. |
 |
How
to Win Back Their
Attraction!
ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! Here's what to do when you think they are no longer
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Are you a nice guy and still got dumped for a jerk? Learn how to be the bastard
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Your Ex Back!
Find out how to win your ex back and keep them hopelessly attached to you
forever more! |
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| The most common cause of conflict in separation
and divorce is lack of mutuality in the decision—in other words, both
spouses haven't accepted the idea that you're breaking up. Ideally, the decision
would be arrived at together, but in most cases one spouse decides alone
after taking time to think about it, get advice from friends or professionals,
process emotions and make plans.
Once the decision is made, it is presented to
the other spouse as a done deal and the sooner the better. Opportunities
to solve problems and possibly save the relationship have been lost. What's
worse, a long, hard divorce is more likely because the first spouse is ready
to break up right away while the other spouse is upset and still working
through denial and resistance. This person hasn't had time to process the
reality and will be in some kind of emotional upset, in no way ready to discuss
details or work out accommodations.
This is not a good time to push along on the
breakup, even though the first spouse is ready and highly motivated to do
so. Moving along too quickly at this point is the root cause of a lot more
trouble to follow. If you are the first to decide, you are in a unique and
powerful position to affect the future tone of the divorce. By being abrupt
and insensitive, you can almost guarantee a bitter, expensive divorce.
If you want to encourage a sane resolution of
divorce issues, be patient, be sensitive, but most of all, slow down. Give
your spouse time to process the changes. Stay positive and as close to your
spouse as possible. You can express caring and concern while being firm in
your decision. Work with your spouse until you can both accept the fact that
going your separate ways is inevitable, and you can both focus on moving
forward. This is the best way to break up, and will lead to the best
result.
Back
###
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce
expert, and founder of Nolo Press and Divorce Helpline. He started the self-help
law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do
Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has
saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go
more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books
from
http://www.nolodivorce.com
or by calling (800) 464-5502. |
|
Win Boyfriend
Back
How
to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back
- By using these basic, down-to-earth
strategies, anyone can get an ex-boyfriend back and turn a broken relationship
back into a loving, lasting one - or make their current relationships deeper
and more fulfilling.
| Getting
To Commitment
Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into
relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language,
and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions
are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment
issues or involved with someone who is.
|
| He's
Scared, She's Scared
Available for the first time in paperback,
this follow-up to the phenomenally successful
Men Who Can't Love tackles
the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying
contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore
why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the
equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and
real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom
gained by personal experience,
He's
Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine,
sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
|
| Men
Who Can't Love
This book saved me from going crazy and
from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate
commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that
all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded
just like the people in this book she'd read -
"Men
Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What
a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the
behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my
boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers
while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from
me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid
out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the
same time.
|
| I
Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
This is a
great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you
have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD
it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual
to other are understandable and can be explained and
treated. |
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